Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
