living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
