i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
