I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We have started to decorate penises.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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