he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
