We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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