Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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