You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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