Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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