put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
