he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
