speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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