Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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