it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
