Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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