My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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