I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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