I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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