I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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