She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
