I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
