hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
