I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
