My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
