She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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