talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
