i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
