True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
last night I used snow as a chaser
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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