oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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