Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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