I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
