How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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