That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
