He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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