Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
