Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
