What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
