I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
