I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
