I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
