yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
