i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
