I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
