Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
