i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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