omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
