I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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