I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
