Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
