Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
