Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
