I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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