Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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