I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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