Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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