There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
