You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
