Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
